Can I start over? YES! Thank God-- literally!

Ok, so I have prayed a lot in 2007. It's been a wild and ugly ride. But surprisingly, I haven't been that depressed (which is good) and overall, I am still optimistic (which is even better). In the last three months we have: all had a major cold (mine was a respiratory infection that lasted 5 weeks and involved mucho medication and a major ear infection...Isaac's was the croup round 2, we have all missed a lot of work/school/life). We had to move out of our house for a week and live at the seminary at the end of february beginning of march- because of a skunk (it was mating season) who got ticked at someone and sprayed under our deck. Our house has recovered, but it took WEEKS and over $1,000.00 in wildlife controller/house improvement fees. We then found out in the beginning of March that I was pregnant- it was a surprise, but I was ecstatic... by the end of march I had a miscarriage (which believe it or not- started during my sister's baby shower). I know it's fairly common, I know this logically, and certainly, we only had about 2 and a half weeks of getting excited about this baby...but personally, in my heart, I was crushed-- and so we as a family -are recovering. Last week I broke a toe, and to be honest, this barely rates a mention in the scheme of our lives... The orphanage that my one teenager at Leadership Now works with in Lesotho burned to the ground two weeks ago-- and out of that horrible event (no children were harmed thanks be to God) I am beginning to see the goodness in the world and in the church again in a major way. Sometime in the next week or two I will post the amazing details of how good the youth I work with are, and how amazingly competent, capable and caring they are as well.
So today is easter- and I am determined that with today comes new life. 2007 starts anew for me right now... and it will be better... this I believe!

Fun things

So, this week has been very fun for me. Over the weekend we hosted a Justice Summit in which 44 youth from up and down the eastern seaboard came for a weekend together to learn that they can make a difference in the world around them. We slept very little (actually, we didn't even have a lot of free time)- but- we ate good food, laughed a lot, cried a little, learned SOOO much, and generally had a fabulous time. My week has been spent reorganizing things at work including my office, and spending time with college students that I adore, then going home and playing with our adorable son. So yea for that! Fun things all around.

Things I wish for

It's a wishful day for me. I am at the end of the work day, and actually got a lot done, but have now lost focus completely. I am wishful for a few things only right now, and all of them are difficult or impossible, or just need to happen slowly over time. So here they are:
Over Time: I wish we were debt free, so Scott wouldn't stress, and I wouldn't get depressed- we are working on it, and this year, we seem like we can pull it off too (and hopefully sooner rather than later in the year). I also wish I gave more money away to various organizations that I believe in and spent less on eating out, my starbucks obsession (which is honestly like $20 or more every week-- how ridiculous!) and on clothes and other things to make me feel better about my weight. I also wish I could really committ one year to changing that, but that takes more than wishing and I struggle with that.

Difficult: I wish Scott had more down time and his job and exams were easier right now. I also wish I were more active and spent more time playing (physically) with him and the boy. And I wish I could help my mom out more (and get her to see a therapist!)

Impossible- practically speaking: I wish we were pregnant, or that a brother or sister was in the cards for Isaac. I have a real fear that he will be sad about this later in life, and I know that I will, but that is not the deal I made, and I do understand where Scott is coming from on this one. I also am getting older, and am not as healthy as I should be, so really this just isn't going to be for us... but I wish it could be different.

I also wish we could travel internationally as a family and that our retirement savings keeps growing and that we both live long enough to enjoy that together... on those things- I'll just have to wait and see.

It's just a wishful day for me... not sad, just a sighing, dreaming, wishing time... that's all for now-- Jacq

Hospitals and other scary things

So,
On Friday night (at 3 am) we took our little boy to the ER. It wasn't a hard decision to make (even though we usually debate whether he needs to see a doctor until he gets healthy and then we just don't go) nope. This time he was whimpering and not really breathing that much. It was Croup. Easily curable, suddenly striking, very frightening Croup. My mom always talked about us having "the croup" as kids, but honest to pete, I didn't really know it was a typical childhood illness. But for some kids it is, and ours is one of those. It's 5 days later, he's no longer contagious, and the steroids and cool mist vaporizors worked miracles...but i am still afraid to sleep deeply at night, and wake up to listen to the baby monitor a gazillion times. There isn't much in life any scarier than taking your kid to the ER.
On a side note- my dad's alzheimer's is getting worse, and it is a sad thing that my mom, brother and I are all wishing that this would end sooner rather than later. What a horrible thing to think, but the slow decline is ugly and is breaking my mom's heart, and really she is so depressed that it is starting to affect her physically. That too is scary.
On a final and much lighter note- we are lucky to have so many friends and family members to turn to through stuff like this. I am so grateful to have a group of people that will pray for me, that will love our son, that are caring for my father. We are blessed by many loving people- and whenever i doubt my faith for even a minute, one of them does something that shows me that God lives...
thanks be for that!

Spritual Things

So worship at the Seminary was interesting today. Frank (our pastoral care professor) preached on the theme of " A God who is against us in all the right ways" not a typical warm fuzzy sermon, yet still inspiring and caring and well done and making me think and all that jazz. Also the sacred dance group here is particularly good right now- they provided a powerful visual to go with a song called "God is Here" and it actually ended up moving me to tears. I don't know what is going on with me faith wise right now. Spiritual things are always at the front of my thinking (and maybe always have been, but now I am more aware of that). I am constantly searching for God's presence in the world ,in the community, in the people I interact with, and I have no doubt that God is here- alive in all creation -- and as my denomination says "still speaking"... but the trickiness of life right now is that I feel really disconnected from church. and not just my local church, but from churches in general. I am able to find spiritual communities to worship with every few weeks and to have biblical and theological conversations- but that is because my job gives me the opportunity to help form such communities every few weeks. In the meantime- I can't seem to find a local community that doesn't make me sad. And when I worship in the local UCC churches that I am connected to- I get so frustrated and anxious and aware of our own hypocrisy that I want to jump out of my skin. I don't have any idea where I am going - either with this post, or with my life of faith. But this is clearly a time of growing pains for me- and I have no sense of who I will be when it is over. I also have no idea what impact all this may have on Isaac, and that worries me a good bit. I am such a liberal- but i believe strongly in prayer. I want justice, but know that I am falling short on working towards it. I am tired of the church as it is currently- I am tired of divisiveness and the inability to wrestle with the discordance of life without hurting each other. I want to have deep and meaningful and hard conversations that end with people still praying for each other (not against each other) and that end with us feeling more diverse, yet more united by the Gospel message. How can that be? How can I bring something like this into being? The uu's have tried but they seem even farther off base than the ucc's. And I think in many ways- the ucc is as "just" a church as there is out there- but UGH! It's still nowhere near the vision I long for... I will keep thinking and praying and knitting on these things...

Time sure flies

It's been quite a while since I posted. Life is just zipping by. It's advent already (lot's of people think that it's Christmas time, but it is actually a season of anticipation BEFORE celebration- a very good time that should not be ignored!) Anyhow we are really busy, as all of America seems to be. In our case, we are trying to see as many of our family and friends as we can before the holiday. We are not big shoppers - we usually come up with a list and in the last 5 days before Christmas, we go out late at night and buy the stuff on the list. That't it. no trying to get great deals, no going into the mall unless we absolutely HAVE to. We try to get books, things from small stores and even go to places like Old Navy and Circuit City specifically because they are not attached to a mall. I really, honestly, would love it if Christmas were a little more like Thanksgiving- a little less about the shopping, more about the family and gratitude. (only this time, specific gratitude for the God of Love who sends a child into the world to represent her/himself). That's my thought on the matter.
So, in the midst of all the busy days- Scott is studying EVERY night and EVERY weekend for his last actuarial exam. It is high stress around here- and will be until the end of January sadly. I am knitting again, and quilting (I can't believe I added another hobby to the 43 others i already don't have enough time for)... and I am getting ready to say goodbye to being part time. My job goes full time in January.

Our little man is doing great- he really is so sweet and such a joy to be with... I hope and pray we can be good enough parents that he doesn't end up with that "Only Child" syndrome (not all onlys have it, but some think they are the center of the universe, and I hope he learns otherwise). He is not really aware of what Christmas is like in our culture. He knows it's about baby Jesus (thanks to daycare more than us) and that is enough in my opinion for now.
Well, I gotta go start the laundry and other mundane tasks I stayed home to work on. Happy Advent people!

Vacation...oh yeah!

Scott, my mom, the little man and I just got back from our vacation to Ocean City, MD. It was great. So beautiful. Very relaxing. Too much chocolate. Weight watchers went out the window. it was great, but too short. I really wish I could just relax more and worry less about my mom, Isaac, and whether or not Scott is disappointed if we don't spend much time biking. If I could've let go of that stuff- then it would've been perfect. But for the most part - it was great. And I knit a little, looked at crochet patterns and read really dumb magazines. Yea for that! Now it is a wierd week where Scott and I are half on vacation, half working, but for sure we need to clean up our house. ... a little less fun, but still better than being completely back at work. So, having said that I am now going to get off this blog thing, and get ready to go out to our favorite restaurant for lunch. yummmm....